I see you! And i disagree - you are still beautiful! And that's not fat - that's unhappiness and sorrow surrounding you. It has to go somewhere and it's gone to your gut in your case. how to tackle it though - please don't punish yourself - both your boys can take responsibility for themselves - Shardan knew the dangers and accepted to take risks - and Shah, well for him it was tragic circumstance one in thousands and he was one of the few. Of course you know all this and have been the mother left behind to mourn and taken it out on your poor old body. Mind you Phyl, take it from me it's no fun being .thin as a rake either - it's too ' fucking cold in the winter! If only you could graft some of you onto me eh.